posted 2019-04-16 22:08:53
From a distance I can see the bikes and toys scattered in the driveway and my parking spot is inaccessible. Ugh. But toddler boy is smiling and waving that dad is home so not too bad.
Then I see the neighbor kids running around. I lock my jaw... but not going to let this ruin my day. Not going to yell this time.
We weren't cut out for daycare work. That's one of the reasons why we don't have a daycare! But every "nice" day this spring has been rained on by coming home to chaos.
I've never yelled at any other kids unless they were doing something dangerous. These kids, though, these kids have some kind of smug ownership of the world. As if no one has ever told them no. And their only purpose in life, from my perspective, is testing the most patient man in the world's patience, me.
I'm allowed about 5 seconds to put shorts on and my wife is tapping her toes waiting to mow the lawn (first of the year). Ok ok, I'll give her a break and watch happy toddler kid and my other son wants to play Battle Beasts (yeah those Battle Beasts from the 80's). My daughter went to the neighbor kids' house. All was good! I was gonna be a no-yelling afternoon!
After about 10 minutes of divided attention and saving the happy toddler from death a few times, the Battle Beasts went back into their bag for next time and the toddler is getting fussy. So I try to get dinner started before the happy toddler turns into Chucky. Then the fucking doorbell rings and I see the unfettered hell demon and his sister running from the door.
Not gonna yell. Not gonna yell. Not gonna yell.
"HEY!" I see little spines tense up in my garage. "THE DOORBELL IS NOT A TOY TO PLAY WITH. YOU PUSH THE BUTTON WHEN YOU WANT TO COME INSIDE! OTHERWISE YOU DON'T TOUCH IT! IT GOES DIRECTLY TO NEST HEADQUARTERS, A FULLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF GOOGLE, LLC. GOOGLE MINES EACH VIDEO FROM THE DOORBELL AND HAS ALREADY CREATED A PATTERN THAT YOU ARE A TROUBLE MAKER. WHEN YOU'RE OLDER AND GET YOUR FIRST ANDROID PHONE (PROBABLY WHEN YOU'RE 9, KNOWING YOUR PARENTS) AND USE FACIAL RECOGNITION TO UNLOCK YOUR PHONE, GOOGLE'S AI WILL ALREADY HAVE YOU FLAGGED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WILL MEAN AT THIS POINT BUT I KNOW FOR SURE I WILL USE ALL OF THE TOOLS AT MY DISPOSAL TO KEEP YOU AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!
"We're going to get dinner started. It's time for you guys to go home."
"But our mom said-"
"I SAID IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!"
Later I saw my daughter crying outside and I thought I screwed up big time, scaring off her friends when she was having fun. But apparently she fell down trying to get inside, because the other kid LOCKED THE DAMN DOOR!
I don't remember my dad yelling at neighbor kids or other parents yelling at me, or at least it was rare. But I also respected my friend's parents as far as I can remember. I was excited that there were kids close in age to mine - so they could have neighborhood friends and run around together like I had growing up. But I lose it when they don't know common sense decency (WE DON'T WRITE ON THE PEG PEREGO JEEP WITH CHALK) and obviously have never had any limits or been told not to do something (WE DON'T SAY BUTTHEAD AT MY HOUSE!). I shut that shit down right off the bat. My wife shuts them down more gracefully.
I remember when I was around 9 and sprayed my friend's windows with a Super Soaker. It was fun. His dad calmly came out and sternly told us both to clean the windows. I had done it, but my friend got in trouble with his dad. I felt terrible and apparently registered it to memory. That graceful but firm rebuke told me I failed my friend and his dad and I wasn't going to do that again.
Unfortunately, yelling will lead to more hiding than it will command respect. Yelling should be reserved for key moments when they're doing something dangerous. Yelling isn't helpful because I'm pissed about finding myself running an impromptu daycare... pushing your kids on the swing while you're getting stuff done around your house or getting dinner ready. I'm not pissed at your kids. I'm pissed at you. Maybe come down and talk to us next time and we can have a beer and you can watch me yell at your kids.
Parents! Yell at your kids, or someone else will.