posted 2019-10-19 17:50:45
So, a couple of weeks ago, I was studying in the library, and old habits die super hard. I distracted myself on HL, a muscle memory dating back to '01 or earlier (I can't really remember when I first joined, my oldest saved journal is from 2002 but I know I was on HL before then too), and I reread the forums here, went back at looked at my old journals from the past. I have all of them saved in my email, which is actually an amazing thing, when I really think of it.
Anyway, it made me really chuckle to read people saying things about how "Myspace has taken over" and especially the pleas to see each other's pictures. Like, remember when putting a photo online was really tedious and hard? I had like one photo I must have scanned that I used for like 2 years whenever anyone wanted to see a picture of me. I remember when HL felt like a potential oversharing debacle, and now everyone puts everything online. I don't feel being "discovered" on here anymore because a) people don't read anymore and b) it's all out there on the interwebs anyway.
It was also the first time I reread entries from 2015, the year I had my daughter, the year my marriage fell apart etc. Man. Those are some rough, raw entries. I'm going on nearly as much time passing since those moments in my marriage (almost 5 years) and that's how long we'd been married when it all happened (it happened around our 5th anniversary). I came home and was really bitchy and sad to my husband. I didn't tell him why. I was literally melancholy for several days. It's like my brain blocked off all that shit. I've never forgotten, but I'd reallllyyy numbed myself to the feelings from back then.
I'm better now. The wound is healed up again, now I just have an ugly scar that I barely even notice unless I'm forced to.
But, I know people are barely on here anymore. Idk that is, millions of reasons, the old guard is all grown up for the most part, but I'm really happy that this place exists and that I have it to document my life, in a real way.