How'd it take a long...
posted 2019-08-21 22:38:18

...long time to be here?


I can't trust my best friend anymore. What a weird feeling it is to realise such a thing. She keeps things from me and pretends that she does it in my best interest, but it's so fake. And, as she doesn't know that I know as much as I do, I am forced to go along with it and keep it a secret to maintain this outward appearance that we are still besties. Or I confront her and end our friendship.

She judges me. She is possessive and controlling and hates that someone might be closer to me than she is. It's a whole mixed bag of toxicity and hypocrisy towards which I am, for some reason, expected to turn a blind eye. Which is near impossible when I know that she is listening to, believing, and spreading rumours she's heard from others rather than discussing shit with me.

And so, I am keeping this bish at an arm's length.

Meanwhile, I am fully and completely 100% in love. Finally, I have met who I believe to be my true soulmate.

And it's only now that I can clearly see that almost every single relationship I've had prior to this was forced in one way or another. Had I ever really thought that what I had with these previous peeps was going to work? If I am being honest, no. Except for, perhaps, my first bf ever. Until he lied to me. Other than that, not one (except maybe the Sailor, until I realised that he wasn't honest with me either). Not even my ex-husband. Fucked up, right?

But now I get it.

With him, I can be myself. Uncompromised, unapologetic, unabashedly; me. And he loves me for it. And he is the same - just him. And I fucking love him more than anything.

I can admit that I know I've said shit similar to this in the past. But I can also admit that there was always this nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me that it wasn't right. That voice knew that I was trying to make something fit where it couldn't.

And now, this has just fell into place where I didn't know it could. We fit. Just like that. It happened in such a way that neither of us really expected, and yet neither of us could imagine anything different.

Tomorrow will be our last day together before I go on a long-ass road-trip with my brother and his family. I am going to miss him like crazy. So, I need to make tomorrow count. And while we've already sort of kind of admitted that we love each other, tomorrow I am going to tell him. Full stop.

Buona notte.




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