posted 2019-02-19 00:19:03

I can't sleep and I need to get some thoughts out of my brain. A week and a half ago, I was having a bad day mentally. So I drank a shit ton of wine and cut myself. And I texted Alex, my ex-boyfriend from ages ago because he used to be the most miserable person, but now he fixed himself. And I wanted to know how so I could fix myself too. Well that asshole texted my mom because he was "concerned." So my mom was freaking out and called Kathy to ask what was wrong with me. My dad also freaked out and had the cops come to my door after I was already passed out, which was not fun. Had to turn away an ambulance they called for because I was trashed.

Anyway, Kathy told my mom I was cutting and that I had been sexually assaulted. My mom fucking flew to Michigan. Now I'm back in counseling. I also went to this sexual assault support group today that my counselor runs every week. It was actually kind of nice to be around people who get it. I feel like the way Kathy has handled it has kind of pushed us apart a bit. I feel betrayed that she told my mom. My choice keeps getting taken away. That was my secret to keep or tell, not hers, and I wasn't ready to tell my mom. I don't know if I ever would have been. And I'm sure my mom went and told my dad too. When my mom asked about it, I refused to give any details. I feel like she would have judged and condemned the choices I made that night, like Kathy did. Kathy told me a while back that I "made a mistake, but I fixed it." Because it's my fault. And I just know what my mom would say if I told her I went home with two guys I had just met. So yeah, I'm still feeling guilty enough about it without Kathy and my mom adding to it. And now my mom won't stop calling every day to ask how I'm feeling.

And I don't know, I feel bad for being upset with Kathy too because I know it's not her intent to be insensitive. I was in her position too at one point, and I still feel awful for not knowing what to do and not doing more. My friend was raped at a party when we were 15. I wasn't there for her enough because I just didn't know how to be. She ended up slitting her wrists a couple months later. She survived and got taken out of school and put in an in-patient treatment center. We lost touch but we're still facebook friends and she's doing well now. But god I wish would have tried harder to figure out how to be there for her. I am extremely grateful that I had Ethan as pretty much my sole source of support because I don't know what I would have done without him. And I don't even deserve his friendship because it seems like I only text him when I need something.