Ways my anxiety manifests
posted 2021-02-25 12:55:54

When I'm in line to order and or pay for something i rehearse my order almost non stop before getting to the counter
i make sure I have back up forms of payment so no one will think I'm poor if my card declines

I'm afraid to go on walks around my neighborhood, especially with my wife or dog
when walking with them i am overly focused on what they are doing and where they are and if they are paying as much attention to our surroundings as i am
I'm constantly scanning for threats, but also trying not to look like I'm concerned or trying not to be racist or insensitive to those i may perceive as threats

One a recent walk with my wife i made sure i had my knife on me and a flashlight, as we are walking every person we pass is a potential threat, but not always to our physical safety, maybe they have opinions about me or her, maybe they think we are walking through to steal, or they don't like my tattoos
as we continue walking a potential threat arises, a man walking with a golf club, i do t know clubs but it's not a putter or a driver, he's not using it as a cane, he isn't necessarily dressed for golf, he's younger, probably under 40, he's on the opposite side walk heading the opposite direction, i try to keep an eye on him without making myself obvious, don't want to draw attention and cause an issue. He's also black, I'm a white guy with a american flag sparta helmet shirt on, plenty of assumptions we could make about each other. He might think I'm racist and watching him cause he's black, now all of these thoughts are in my head while my wife may not even see him at this point and is telling me a story.




to hatelife to journal