posted 2026-09-01 17:25:58
I seriously need to relax on this binge drinking / drug taking bullshit, being bedridden the whole next day, not able to eat or move is getting more awful.
sobriety has been a increasing thought and honestly I know I need to go down that journey If I ever want to truly heal. I just don't know myself without being a party boy twink. im known to be crazy, messy and a good time girl. I know im so much more beneath all this facade, but it's my only escape from feeling like a 24/7 corpse with chronic dissociation.
today felt even more crazy after I fainted and collapsed from a fucking vaccine, it was way more scary than any near OD ive had, because I thought I genuinely died. waking up to two nurses holding me with no vision and my heart pounding, not knowing anything was terrifying.
yes, I should of eaten before but holy fuck this was another attack on my nervous system failing. it took me 15 mins of lying down topless with a wet towel on my head to feel normal.
tbh dying in a gay clinic with the cutest mammy nurses around me would of been bliss. those few seconds of passing out genuinely felt fine though, like did I technically die then since there was such low oxygen to my brain.
waking up was the horrific part, head spinning and feeling like I was newborn baby trying to breath for the first time, not able to comprehend life itself. it made me feel even less real, with genuine terror of not knowing if I was alive or dying.
I ate a lovely vanilla cronut ever and had my fav onigiri as a reward for surviving. I never wanna go back tho fuck that mpox vaccine.