posted 2020-06-01 19:25:15

I think what Iíve been trying to say is that my whole life Iíve been told, from all sides of my family tree, that being white was a privilege, that not being seen as Mexican was a good thing because of all the bullshit that came with darker skin. I was almost shoved out of what was my heritage as a way to protect me from the ďothernessĒ of color. I have benefitted from it, but I have felt guilty about it my entire life.

I understand why my family said the things they did and pushed me out of their circle, and I understand why my mom encouraged it. It didnít stop me from hating every ounce of privilege I had though, and I think Iíve always shied away from talking about it because Iíve benefitted from being treated as ďdifferentĒ from my own flesh and blood.

This has been brewing in mind for the last few months and has really come to a head for me with the state of the US these days. Who am I to feel guilt and shame and sorrow over a culture that is not my own? How can I cry and grieve and be devastated over the abuse of people that I donít ďbelongĒ to?

ďYouíre white, you should stick with being white, itís for your benefit.Ē
This is what Iíve been told my whole life. And I did it because I felt I didnít have a choice.

I keep seeing these articles about becoming anti-racist, that it isnít enough to be silent and neutral. Iíve been silent and neutral my whole life and all itís done is give me an identity crisis and raging case guilt.

There is a lot of work to be done.

to hatelife to journal