posted 2020-06-01 19:25:15

I think what I’ve been trying to say is that my whole life I’ve been told, from all sides of my family tree, that being white was a privilege, that not being seen as Mexican was a good thing because of all the bullshit that came with darker skin. I was almost shoved out of what was my heritage as a way to protect me from the “otherness” of color. I have benefitted from it, but I have felt guilty about it my entire life.

I understand why my family said the things they did and pushed me out of their circle, and I understand why my mom encouraged it. It didn’t stop me from hating every ounce of privilege I had though, and I think I’ve always shied away from talking about it because I’ve benefitted from being treated as “different” from my own flesh and blood.

This has been brewing in mind for the last few months and has really come to a head for me with the state of the US these days. Who am I to feel guilt and shame and sorrow over a culture that is not my own? How can I cry and grieve and be devastated over the abuse of people that I don’t “belong” to?

“You’re white, you should stick with being white, it’s for your benefit.”
This is what I’ve been told my whole life. And I did it because I felt I didn’t have a choice.

I keep seeing these articles about becoming anti-racist, that it isn’t enough to be silent and neutral. I’ve been silent and neutral my whole life and all it’s done is give me an identity crisis and raging case guilt.

There is a lot of work to be done.