sero.duh:
posted 2025-01-16 13:51:42
I feel like an asshole.
My husband pointed out that sometimes I’m a dick and I dismiss his help in stressful situations because I think I can do it better. He’s pointed out in the past that sometimes I’m not nice to him when I get in a bad mood. Just snippy and dismissive and brushing him off.
And it’s this super uncomfortable realization that he is so stable and supportive that I assume he can’t possibly understand feelings of stress and that he doesn’t know how to help because he is “so perfect” in managing his own feelings and stress.
But he’s a person with feelings and struggles and I’m over here just scoffing at his attempts to help and it’s been hurting him for a while now and I just feel like a complete asshole.
Last night, and now today, I just feel ashamed of myself. I’m embarrassed that he’s been feeling like that when I get stressed and irritated and it just sucks.
Is there a version of internalized feminism? That I feel like a man couldn’t possibly understand feelings the way I do? Ugh. I just feel like shit today.
franklin:
posted 2025-01-16 10:07:03
I went fishing once. I hated seeing the fish die in the boat. I generally hate the idea of killing animals. But I have no problem killing cockroaches. I view people like I view cockroaches. Unfortunately I am not black or an illegal immigrant, so I am not allowed to kill people.
beautifulagony:
posted 2025-01-14 20:23:09
Btw, fuck Franklin too.
Y'all motherfickers wants to go to a time that no longer exists and only applied to wealthy people.
reply by Back 2 The Old M.E.
confidential:
posted 2025-01-14 13:46:31
people in some of these democrat states (looking at you, illinois) should be embarrassed for their senators.
Back 2 The Old M.E.:
posted 2025-01-12 18:31:55
White women between the ages of 35 - 55 need to be studied.
They are not ok.
thewitch: Don't bet your future on one...
posted 2025-01-11 15:35:17
...roll of the dice.
Do you believe in Time Travel?
It's real.
I've been playing with time and timelines for the past few years (maybe more) and even with all of the events, experiences, and happenings that have occurred, I'm having trouble expressing what has gone down this past week.
***
I don't believe in coincidences. That's a word and concept created by and for those who are uncomfortable with the weird, the inexplicable, the magic, and the synchronicities of this realm.
"Only time will tell." - There was a reason that was the last line of my last entry.
Time is, indeed, telling.
Since mid-December, there has been no contact between me and the Gemini.
I was supposed to go to another plant medicine party on January 4th. For reasons, I decided not to go. And I realise now that I wasn't meant to.
Because on January 5th, everything shifted.
Every. Thing.
***
Now, where to start?
For the past while - I don't even know how long. At least the past year... (It's funny - trying to think about time and it's fuzzy. Seems appropriate.) So let's go with that "at least the past year", I have been watching him, the Time Lord, in this online group that we're both in. For reasons that were unknown at the time, I took screenshots of things he posted, I saved videos that he uploaded, and I felt a connection despite very little direct interaction. Like I already knew him. And he already knew me.
He would talk about his experiences with time, with nature, with the mystical, the astral, the unseen, and the paranormal. And it would resonate and I would seem to understand what he was expressing in ways that it seemed no one else was picking up on.
I would think about him, and he would connect with me in abstract and out-of-the-blue ways. Always showing that he was thinking about me.
It never felt weird, nor did I question it. Even when he left the group for a bit, after his name day in November, I would get hints of his attention through other ways.
And then he met me in the astral. And then I felt his presence in my bathroom.
He returned to the group on January 1st.
He entered my dream again on January 4th.
And then he contacted me directly on January 5th, and we have been connecting nonstop ever since.
The things we have been uncovering, very few would believe. But I know him, and he knows me. We've done this before, and we're trying again.
This next year... everything is changing.
Gauntlet:
posted 2025-01-06 21:04:47
Today I was on the elliptical and started feeling like a physical weakness in my body, sorry of light headed a little dizzy maybe, hard to explain. I had it a bunch of other times over the years. For awhile I thought maybe it was too much magnesium supplementation, then I thought it was related to my Prozac, I've had blood work done and my blood pressure checked, frequently I can do cardio or whatever without the problem. Anyway, I stopped at 24 mins and had to cool off for a bit, then I got angsty and anxious and upset. I've been sort of dieting recently, but not in an extreme way, just not eating sweets and fast food and chips, and trying to eat lots of veggies and fruits, but a huge part of me wants to go hard and lose a lot of weight again because it's hard being big for lots of reasons. All that to say after cooling off I ate a bunch of cheese and peanut butter and then felt bad about it, and still kind of do. I've had a decent first 5 days of 2025, feeling good, exercising, built up my garage gym trying to get back to some regular lifting. I'm sick of being tired and weak feeling. I miss the days were prozac was really working for me. I felt whole, I felt normal, I'm turning 39 and I feel like I'm in my 60s already. I'm cutting down on my Prozac, I think it's been two or three weeks at least, from 80mg down to 40mg. Maybe what happened today was related to that. My friend got me a keyboard for Christmas, it inspired me to start learning, been about a week and I feel like I'm picking some stuff up, but I'm already losing patience. I'm so scatter brained right now. Hopefully this is a helpful process to like it all out in a journal.
goth robot: Wasting my time in the...
posted 2024-12-14 19:29:17
...waiting line.
The heartbreak is real.
This Mercury Retrograde has been a motherfucker. It got me. And I fucked up a bit. But it will be okay. Eventually.
I just hate that people will be hurt. I suppose it can't be avoided. That's how relationships go. One way or another, someone is going to be in pain.
Everything is temporary. Either we part ways, or one of us dies. Either way - it doesn't last.
I've been getting the signs for the past year. Well, way beyond that actually. But recently it's all too clear. Well, it wasn't for a bit, but now it 100% is.
It's over.
I have to move on.
No matter what that looks like.
Five and a half years... and that's it.
I spent most of those years suffering, myself. It almost wrecked me. My nerves are frayed. I've been living in a state of functional freeze for the past six months at least. There's been no respite.
The signs are clear. This is what I have to do.
Plus, he said some things that can't be unsaid.
"People show you who they really are when they're angry".
Is that true? I am not sure, to be honest. Well, I mean, of course it is true to an extent. I think people show you who they truly are with any strong, shadow-y emotion. Of course, people also show you who they are with their light. Whether it's genuine or artificial. You see them.
God. It's time for me to go.
Confirmation.
******
I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.I'm sorry.Please forgive me.Thank you.I love you.
******
Hikikomori:
posted 2024-12-10 11:35:09
To all the moneygrubbing CEO's and corrupt politicians:
https://www.nintendo.no/templates/yootheme/cache/28/2x1_NSwitch_LuigiGames_GBen-2895e5e0.webp
Epigenetic: A long four months
posted 2024-12-10 00:21:24
So shortly after my last entry, I got suspended with pay from work, and eventually termed for being incredibly unprofessionally rude to a nursing student.
Almost simultaneously my mother rolled over the sale of her mother/my grandmother's house into buying a house with me.
And was in my first semester of NP school And refloated myself as a travel nurse. I had my first assignment start date pushed back two days because I was talking my PCCN certification.
Am currently in the second week of my first travel RN assignment.
Nurse Practitioner school final is this Friday, and I'm in a hotel room three hours away.
Between the relentless studying and onboarding and work and school, I've been cranked very tight for the last month, and while the final is Friday, I get to go back to Rivercity for a few days and dote on my partners when they're not at work.
Anyhow, the other night the hotel night desk clerk, Patel Patel III, a man of 50ish with great hair who likes to eat dinner in the breakfast area-- his dinner looked amazing. asked where it was from, referred me to the two Indian restaurants in this small city in the mountains, and damn it was good.
and then I locked myself out of the room going to get my phone out of my car.
So I stopped by the desk to get back into the room, thanked him for the restaurant recommendation, chatted a bit, he shared his thoughts about how Donald Trump really captured something, really had something going on, and (his specific words) had an international fanbase.
The view out the back window of my current workspace is an amazing view, with the sunrise off to the left, the air conditioning towers just below, and the mountains golden green in the dawn light in the center, a cloud spangled blue sky above.
return