After Everything I've Done 4 You:
posted 2021-07-29 09:30:35
I am just reeling a bit from the discovery my darling boy dog was due for euthanasia due to having been impounded too long. No wonder he's a bit stressed in unfamiliar situations. Three years later, he's more mine than if he was here from birth.
Making amends- or mostly just sitting back and letting others do the talking. So uninspired to work alone tomorrow.
The more time I have at home, the less I can get done. I do worry about being neurodiverse (no, I am not tested) and actually having deficits in my learning, attention, retention or cognitive abilities. My brain is at "don't interrupt me" point where if I am doing something, I need to complete this, set it aside, lose a small time in complete energy drain, then pick up next thing. Yet, it's not feeling like I am always able to make concious choice as to order, priority or what it is my brain has engaged with first. I can tear it from one thing to another and force the issue, but there's lag and complete "I don't think I can do this" moments. In my study days, I used to push to complete assignments early to avoid the pressure freeze and the blank space-out. I'm a slow, methodical worker. It's painstaking- yes, that word is perfect for it.
Not sleeping well. I am tired, but not restful, then overtired and just an emotional wreck. I actually shed tears watching Olympic kayaking win. I'm not even that patriotic! Just so goddamn stuck in my mind-prison, WFH hermit with my sanity and order slipping by the day.
I do need to spend some time exploring my fears around my "shadow side", but this must wait until a new day.
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Gauntlet: cheers to you
posted 2021-07-24 22:38:23
I felt OK before i saw pictures my sister posted of me online. I look like a weird fat bearded twelve year old. maybe i need a neck tattoo. I can't handle this weight issue... or this body image issue. or depression. or who fucking knows. Nothing feels right. My dad has been in town and will be for the next few days. I've hated him being here. I don't know why, he's not particularly awful. He hurts my sister's feelings... but she is very sensitive. Maybe i am too, maybe it's just so far down i don't even recognize what it is.
I got braces two days ago, weird at 35. I'm proud that i was able to pay cash for them, but I'm scared at how much money I've been spending these last two months. I fought hard to build my savings and investments, and it wouldn't be the first time I've blown a bunch of hard work and somehow lost all my savings and investments and found myself in debt. I have a hard time making things stick for long. I remember when i weighed 100 LBS less than i do now, I'm so mad at myself. ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted. I can't seem to find and stick to a diet. Keto did wonders many times in the past, but I'm incapable of making it more than a few days if that.
Death By Snu Snu: Life Still Sucks.
posted 2021-07-23 03:35:42
Yup. Condo buildings suck, or at least this one does. So much history that's bad. Horrible people that live here. My life is on hold once again. Canada sucks for COVID help if you're on Disability for life and haven't worked enough. Or at least Hamilton sucks for it. I got people on my FB who live in other parts of Canada who are on Disability and they got $600 this whole time, so far. There was this measely $100 thing but I only heard about that months after the fact. My worker never told me shit, I never got anything in the mail about it. -___-!!
I have to move the fuck outta here, but now my credit is almost below 500 because of a fat ass ex. My step-dad is dead and now all the money my mom got from his death is gone. Have to resort to food banks now and there's literally only two up the mountain here. The rest are downtown and I can't even afford bus fair anywhere anymore, these days. My mom's condo fees have been raised because of the scamming that went on here and the money that was never used to keep the building maintained. $1,125 for a one bedroom condo unit that was basically half finished. It was $1,100 first but then, raised fees. T___T!!!
I can't seem to catch a fucking break. Can't seem to manage to live anywhere long enough to actually make a home for myself. Only family is my mom, the rest literally ditched us and turned their backs on us once my step-dad died. I've got no friends that want to hang out with me because I have a boyfriend, or I'm always broke. The fat ass ex hacked into a bunch of my social sites, pretended to be me. I knew it was him because of the way he spells. He's shit at it. Doesn't know what punctuation is, or properly placed capital letters.
I can't pay off my braces. Yes, I still have them. =/ I'm 35 with braces still. Ffs. Almost had them ten years because there's no orthodontists AND dentists working on fuck all during this COVID shit, but even before COVID, still couldn't find any or one that can do what I need. Disability doesn't view braces as needed. They see them as cosmetic. They aren't for the reason I needed them. I needed them to straighten my teeth so I could get my jaw broken to realign it. X___X
I literally cannot even move out of here and get another place because of my credit. I can't afford to fix it. At all. The only reason my credit is shit now is because my e-mail was still attached to the Comwave billing shit here in Canada. Everything else was switched to his information, but for some reason they never changed to his email. Didn't find out about this until recently. It's only my email on it, so I really don't know what else I can do about that. I can't afford to care either way.
Even with my boyfriend on my check it still isn't enough money to actually have any after rent and bills. I just want to finally live. But that won't happen probably until my mom is dead, because I have to be on call with her all the time because of her medical issues. We liv ein the same building but not he same units. Thankfully. Every unit is fucking small and not a single one is worth paying over 1,000 for, but shit happens. Constantly in my life, it seems. Constant pain all the time with these braces and teeth issues I can't even get looked at properly or fixed at all. I have a fucking gap in my front teeth again!!! I haven't had that bullshit since I was a fucking kid.
UGH...!!!! I can't even handle a part time job or working from home. I can't even afford my own internet. I was using my neighbors for a while but now Bell is being a cunt and disconnected it and she is still trying to get it back, so I have to use my mom's wifi signal which is three floors down. Through feet and feet of concrete on all sides.
Fucking Hell, when is my life going to just take a chill pill?
$nap$:
posted 2021-07-20 16:02:39
I’m going to start working at a hospital this week; my lack of healthcare experience made me feel like a dummy during clinicals / school and I want to actually get some hands on experience. Last week was spent in Corporate hell- 40 hours worth of policies and PowerPoints about how amazing corporate is and how much corporate loves their employees- hmm. Yeah, right.
Seems I’m working for a massive company, but the hospital I’m at is relatively small- a real tiny community feeling- which is comfortable to me. I haven’t worked since ‘18, and really those three I worked at Starbucks barely count as I would barely work 2 shifts a week.
This aide job is a bit of a joke, at least in salary. It’ll cost me way more to pay for a sitter / nanny if G is working than I’ll earn. Also seems like the floor isn’t super flexible with scheduling. I’m spoiled because I essentially set up my own schedule at the airline and at Starbucks, so this seems like it might be a problem. I also spent a lot of the past two semesters studying and I’m not sure if I’ll be as studious if I’m working 2 12 hour shifts every week. Idk. Bedside might not be for me anyway.
I do need to get out of the house and start branching out. I miss earning my own money and having co-workers and something to identify myself with beyond “mom”.
yuzu: Vacations, Part 2
posted 2021-07-19 11:04:24
Maine didn't work out, but that's because I was an idiot. The woman took forever to confirm my reservation, so I booked a place in Vermont instead. So I still get my five days, just somewhere else. The Maine lady got back to me and said she was sorry I cancelled, and that I was welcome to come back some other time.
Lady, it took me 34 years to book a solo vacation. I'm never coming to stay on your farm.
K is going to India because his father broke a bunch of bones, but also because he really misses his father. The pandemic has pushed us both, made us immeasurably anxious people. His family is a constant presence in our lives thanks to constant FaceTiming. My family is also a constant presence because they come to stay with us all the time. This exhausts me.
I'm so relieved I won't be going to India. I'm having a lot of nightmares about traveling on my own, though. I'm bringing my bike, and last night I had a dream that on my way to Vermont my bike fell of the rack as I was driving and a 18-wheeler behind me crushed it to smithereens.
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sero.g:
posted 2021-07-16 19:20:19
Last week I was on vacation. My mom wanted us to go camping to the national park that we spent most of my childhood camping at. So we packed up and took my daughter up for the week. Except the day that we got there a massive bear rampaged through the campground to find food for its cubs at 10:30 in the morning and we decided to find another place to stay. Except every place was full, so we had to drive back home. Then my mom‘s chemo meds hit her really hard, and her symptoms were so bad she wasn’t even allowed to be outside because of how hot it was. Then a 6.0 earthquake hit the campsite where we were supposed to be staying, so we took the hint and decided that maybe last week wasn’t supposed to be our vacation week at all. Except now, I had a week off from work that was the most stressful week probably all year, and then I had to turn around and go right back to work. And then my kids summer camp got shut down this week because of a Covid scare. And then my kid started vomiting last night. So you could say things are going well.
And my dad‘s dog has cancer. He was given one month to live, and this dog is really the only way my dad made it through his two divorces in a row. So it’s really hard and I want to support him, but he’s an insufferable asshole when he drinks and instead of trying to support him I ended up screaming at him and telling him that I thought he was a piece of shit and an asshole and then I blocked his phone number.
Basically, there’s all this shit that’s happening on the periphery of my life, and I mean it’s not my life specifically, because it’s not directly impacting me as an individual in my house, but it feels really fucking stressful to deal with. And I wanna just chill and not be responsible for like, doing the dishes or folding laundry when I feel like the world is collapsing around me. It’s all very weird and I feel like I just wanna take a nap.
Escapology:
posted 2021-07-16 00:45:52
I've been in a pretty fucked up head space.
I've been thinking about getting on some meds. That would probably help me be a better mother.
No kid wants a sad mom.
I haven't slept in 4 days. Not sure if it's the depression or if it's my medical issues I've been having. Or the recreational drug use. Currently off work 12 weeks for surgery on the tendons in my feet. It led to a skin infection that's taken over half my back. It's fucking gnarly. They keep pumping me with their drugs and I keep pumping me with my own.
I've recently rekindled a great friendship with an old girlfriend of mine from high school. I haven't had a great friend in such a long time. It feels so nice.
Over the years I feel I have lost a lot of what makes me me.
The downside is her ability to consistently put drugs in front of me whenever I go up to see her. This past weekend it was coke. The weekend before mushrooms. The weekend before acid and molly. Always huffing nitrous tanks. Always drinking. It's a lovely escape until I get back to reality.
I can always say no without any pressure, however I do not want to say no if it's in my free time while I know my child is taken care of elsewhere.
No wonder I feel like shit and cannot sleep.
I'm getting too old to party.
The MDMA makes you sadder when you're already sad. The comedown lasted days. I wanted to die. Not worth it. 0/10, do not recommend. Had a 130 bpm heartrate for over 16 hours.
Staying away from the MDMA in the future.
I'm not surprised I'm single at 32.
I'll bet I'm single at 42.
I don't see myself moving in with a man ever again. At least not while I have my daughter living with me. I like having control over my own shit. I surrendered that power about a year ago and that's very uncharacteristic of myself.
I'm still sitting in the ashes of that as I type. I made the move because I wanted to give my daughter a "family vibe." She was pushing on me to do it. He was pushing on me. I agreed but only if I could have my own room. That should have been the first red flag showing I'm not ready for this.
About 6 months ago my daughter was pushing me to get out. She said she didn't like him...that he was too young and that she could never think of him as "fatherly," which I cannot fault her. He does not possess a fatherly bone in his body because he is a big kid. She also said she can tell I was happier when it was just her and I living together. I can hide my unhappiness from a lot of people, but never her. I explained to her how I felt and what my intentions were. Her dislike for him only grew from there. I shouldn't have did that...confirming her doubts. She started throwing him shade whenever she saw the chance.
I wasn't really feeling it with Dude. He is 10 years my junior. I was sold on the idea of Dude, but not Dude himself. He seemed like he had a good thing going for being so young. Had a huge house, nice new car, investments, completing real estate courses, had multiple properties, was active in the political scene, paid attention to me, we had a best friend dynamic.
It was all smoke and mirrors. He has none of that now.
Young, immature, no life experience, can't fuck, no ambition, all talk/no walk, can't cook, lazy, cant commit to anything, refuses to travel, unhygienic. I began to feel like his roommate and his mother. I guess you can say at that point I started using him, prepping in the dark corner of my mind my escape route and how to maximize my savings by living rent and utility free. I had medical bills to pay off from summer 2020 where I had an emergency surgery.
Karma is a bitch.
She loves serving it up cold and sloppy.
I had this coming.
I can't even be mad.
We knew this surgery was coming. We knew for months when and how long it was going to be. We knew I wasn't going to be able to walk and I was going to need help around the house being wheelchair bound. 2 days after I have this surgery on my foot, he decided it's a good time to establish we shouldn't be in a relationship. He also decided it was time to leave all the commitment we established came along with the temporary immobility. I didn't really do anything to him or our relationship. I never cheated on him even though I dreamed of it. I wanted to execute my strategy and that would have made it messier than needed.
During recovery he helped me none. The past 5 weeks my daughter has been my saving grace as I've recovered. She's taken on a lot of responsibility. Dude can't even put a load of laundry in, really? Can't mow the yard, really? Can't wash your own dishes, really? Can't wipe your piss off the floor, really?
When he announced his departure from this relationship I acted shocked like I haven't been fantasizing about riding some other dick all along. I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with myself staying faithful in the dead end relationship. That's not like me. I am very sexually charged. I really tried to play it out to hit my gains.
I hadn't laid a hand on his dick in 8 months. I didn't even kiss him anymore because he stopped brushing his teeth. Who the fuck stops brushing their teeth? DISGUSTING. I couldn't even imagine fucking him. He showered every other day, if that. He went to the gym and worked a physical job and couldn't even wash the sweat off. He grossed me out. But I kept playing roommate/mommy to execute my strategy and to lock in my gains.
Never doing that again. Not worth it.
Another 0/10 do not recommend.
We work together. So that's great. 2 weeks after the split he tells me he's talking to another woman we work with.
He did this before with the same woman when we were briefly split for 4 months.
She's older than me and has 2 more kids than I do. Good luck, buddy. Watch how much I don't give a fuck.
She clearly doesn't know what it's like to be fucked by a man. Oof. This dude is not trainable. Total starfish.
I wasted so much time on this kid because I was too scared to make real moves with my life. I do not belong in this city where I know no one. I do not belong in this environment. Fuck, I don't even belong at my job. I had too much pressure from outside telling me "this is what you want, this is what's good for your daughter" when it clearly wasn't what I wanted for us.
The weekend after we were "done" I went out and got railed, surgical boot and all.
That was a long time coming.
No pun intended.
Tall, bald, muscular, sexy black men are my weakness.
So here I sit, in my room, in this house I share with my now ex. Dealing with my brain, my medical complications, two more upcoming surgeries, and trying to find out where I want to be. He's honoring his commitment to have me living here until I'm recovered and found a place for my daughter and I.
I've put in transfer requests all over, getting me close to Chicago. I have also been looking at other job opportunities considering I hate my job and hate working for the government. However, the pay is fucking Grade A. The retirement looks so nice. The fact they match my contributions to my TSA makes me wet with delight. I banked over 30k in less than 3 years. If I maintain a career, I'll walk out at 57 with half a mil or more in that account alone. I want to gradually put that into a Roth so I don't get completely robbed when I pull it out. Buuuut I really don't want to work for someone else, especially Uncle Sam, the rest of my life. It's not fulfilling. It's too demanding. The mandatory overtime is excessive. I shouldn't be making 20 to 30k over my projected salary every year. I don't want it. At least not right now. I'd rather have my weekends off. I'd rather travel. I'd rather do things with my daughter.
I've accepted if I find a job with weekends off in my desired location, I'll accept a pay cut.
It felt good to get this out of my head.
This simple gray page still offers so much solitude.
I don't think I'll ever turn comments back on. That's what made me quit posting to begin with. There are some assholes around here, like everywhere I suppose. Just let me be. Leave me alone. If you read my shit for your own entertainment/amusement, let it be that.
No need to rub my nose in my own shit.